Transparent
I can't keep blogging on and on about life without sharing and blogging the ugly, tough days too. I don't want to paint this beautiful picture of life that seems to always run smoothly. First off, I'm a mess half the time. A new mom all four of you, I now understand what oasis is ... a 15 minute shower, where I answer to no one, I just stand in pure silence, letting hot, burning water run down my body. I try to spend that time wisely, like in prayer for our family and missionary friends, but honestly I'm not the greatest at it yet... most the time I'm just fighting to keep my eyes open without falling asleep standing up or trying to get that one Disney song out of my brain for 10 seconds!!
I love my life. Each of you, my children. And I absolutely LOVE being a wife. This life is seriously all I ever really wanted to do. Teach, train, snuggle, repeat. But life is life and as most lives go, it's thrown some curve balls our way. One major one that effects most days and sometimes nights has been Milo's SPD. This is where things can get ugly. It's not his fault and I certainly don't blame him.
Milo, you are amazing. You are intelligent, out going, quizzical, and know how to share Jesus in almost any conversation. I truly believe God has BIG plans for you. It's the here and now that I struggle with and ponder why. Why can't I explain things better? Why does it have to be so hard for you? I've wished a thousand times for things to be easier for you. And I'd take it away if I could. But this is the life God gave you. And I pray together we can work through it. I know it makes you a stronger little man, most kids don't see or hear what you have to deal with daily, and you've made remarkable leaps and bounds from where you were just a year ago. But life is still hard. There are weeks that just are ugly. Days I wish I could do over or just plain skip. And then I feel horrible for wishing or wanting it a different way.
Let me just fill you in on the tough parts. Routine, schedule, knowing what's coming. We have the same rhythm every day and if that changes, for any reason really, it can (and most likely will) throw your whole day off. You've eaten the same thing for breakfast for nearly six years (minus those special mornings we eat out/family mornings). Oatmeal with brown sugar. You know your days of the week and know what should happen on each one... Saturdays are family days, Sundays are church and family evenings, Tuesdays we eat Tacos, Fridays are pizza and movie night. Lunch is served at nearly the same time every day, and if I would let you, you'd eat the same thing for that as well ... but I like to keep a few options open so it varies between like 4 items.
Speaking of food, there's another area that can be touchy. Nothing crunchy, minus carrots and apples. No cereals, chips, crackers (unless it's graham), salads/lettece, etc. Most things crunchy aren't that good for you anyways so we never pushed too hard, but on off days it can send you into a spiral.
Another area is noise. Since a little baby you've always been sensitive to sounds. Thunder is the worst. If you know a loud sound is coming, you're old enough now to understand and control yourself, but there's still tension and nervousness. We have a pair of heavy duty "ear muffs", like the ones people wear when mowing or doing loud construction. You wear them during thunderstorms or if the noises around you get to you too much. I've loved seeing you grow to understand that it's okay to ask for them and okay for you to wear them. They help a ton and keep you calmer.
Speaking of tools that help, we have recently invested in some fun new "toys" for you that have helped in major ways. Makes this momma's heart grateful. One is a weighted blanket. And this isn't just any weighted blanket, this is a John Deere weighted blanket. We found it on Etsy and the price couldn't be beat. It's 6lbs. and from the moment you opened the box and slipped underneath, it's been doing it's job perfectly. As soon as it hits your body and weighs you down, it's like every muscle in your small little frame soothes and calms and relaxes. It's like watching someone get a massage... you melt away in pure relaxation mode. Dad and I literally had tears in our eyes when we watched it for the first time. Another helpful tool is what we call your "chewie". And it just so happens we found Star Wars related chewies that look like Lightsabers. And the extra tough ones came in, of course, GREEN!! So perfect and fitting for you. We were both thrilled. Those have become almost as important as your corner blanket. Luckily you can wear them around your neck and they are holding up pretty well under such a strong grip (aka bite). When frustrated you chomp and chew all over it, when you're tired you suck on it instead of a blanket or whatever else you could find to put in your mouth, and during school it helps you concentrate to have something to chew on... so it has many jobs and works amazingly well at each of them. We are, again, so grateful for this little invention!
Now here comes the real ugly moments. The moments no one sees. Most people think our family is fairly normal, with it's ups and downs, but only a few close friends and family know what a true SPD meltdown is. What it does to you, Milo and what it does to your parent's hearts. How many hours and days have I spent in tears because I can't stop the meltdowns. I can't pull you out of them. They take you down like a defensive end takes down a quarterback. Flattens you out. Takes your energy and spits out ugliness. It's heartbreaking. But thanks to your OT, a few bloggers I've read and followed, and some trial and error on our part, we have found what usually helps you.
For the last four months or so I've been pretty useless when it comes to helping you due to my gigantic belly, but we tried to work around it, but honestly Daddy has been your favorite go to for help when it begins and ends. And I completely understand that. But now that I'm free to move and have a lap again, I'm back in the game.
Here's a honest, open moment about these meltdowns ... I use to be ashamed. Use to think it was me being a bad parent or giving in too much or not enough. Feeling like I was under a microscope and being watched from every angle. Eyes, always watching, always judging. So I'd try to control the situation like that person who was watching so little judgment would come my way. But after reading, learning first hand with an OT, and talking with other families in similar situations I'm done trying to please others ... this is about YOU and what's best for you. So judgement may fall at my feet and people may start and think what they think but I know what works, I know where you are at and where you need to get to, and I know I've got to keep my focus on where I am and not on who's watching or around us. It's been hard at times. Yes I've been embarrassed or ashamed but I shouldn't and don't as much. And I hope one day you will forgive me for the shameful way I tried to fix things early on... the wrong way. The way of others and not at all what you needed. So with that said, when things spiral and a little thing flips your switch (recently, for example your chicken nuggets got to crunchy and you couldn't get that out in words without flapping, screaming, and crying... it spiral to a full out meltdown. I tried to help and explain, but it was too late, meltdown mode was already on)...
First thing we do is get you alone. You have a tendency to lash out, hit, kick, and full out punch when things start to take over. The twinkle in your eye leaves and is replaced with a glazey anger. In our new place, that place of alone is our bathroom. This first stage can take some time to come off of. It's lasted as short as five minutes but has spanned out to a full afternoon at one point.
If we can, we then get your gray jersey knit sheet and we wrap you tight from shoulders to toes. You'll also usually have your chewies already. Then you sit on a lap and we hum or turn on the song, Oceans by Hillsong and rock back and forth. We can't always do this right away due to violence, this stage can take a bit of time before completing. But within the time of that song you are usually in a melted pile on our lap. We rock and I pray in my head for your little self. For control, for understanding, and for your little body. Yes frustrating as the meltdowns are, we see that this is your body fighting against you in one way or another. And recently we had the chance to explain things a little bit to you. Why you saw Mr Kyle, how the meltdowns are part of SPD, and even got a kid's book from the library that explained SPD in kid terms. You began to understand and now we can talk a little more honestly about how things are going, and how you are feeling.
I never want you to view yourself as less or think there's something 'wrong". You are strong, Milo Man. Yes you have "bad" days, I like to call them "off" days really. Days where your body and mind just don't match up, and from the moment you get up I can tell it's going to be a hard day. But we make it thru. Sometimes in lots of tears, but those days God teaches us both so much. I've learned I can't do motherhood solo. It takes God's strength for me to be able to handle each meltdown and each battle. And you have learned similar things about God's love and strength. You know you have to ask for help from Him and us, that no matter what happens God's grace and forgiveness is there and He loves you no matter what. Always. You don't have to be good enough to earn God's love, He already loves you where you are. (That right there has been a big one recently.) You come out of a meltdown worried that God doesn't love you anymore and that you need to read your bible or sing more songs to earn it back ... my dear son, God loves you more then Dad and I combined. He loves you more then an imagination can fathom. And nothing you do will ever change that. Ever!!!
So as you read through the past posts and future posts, keep in mind that each day has it's battles, not every day is sunshine and roses. We have bad days. Everyone does. SPD is a part of our every day life, but it doesn't define your life or mine. God is there, God has given us these days to learn and to love and to show us our need for Him.
I love my life. Each of you, my children. And I absolutely LOVE being a wife. This life is seriously all I ever really wanted to do. Teach, train, snuggle, repeat. But life is life and as most lives go, it's thrown some curve balls our way. One major one that effects most days and sometimes nights has been Milo's SPD. This is where things can get ugly. It's not his fault and I certainly don't blame him.
Milo, you are amazing. You are intelligent, out going, quizzical, and know how to share Jesus in almost any conversation. I truly believe God has BIG plans for you. It's the here and now that I struggle with and ponder why. Why can't I explain things better? Why does it have to be so hard for you? I've wished a thousand times for things to be easier for you. And I'd take it away if I could. But this is the life God gave you. And I pray together we can work through it. I know it makes you a stronger little man, most kids don't see or hear what you have to deal with daily, and you've made remarkable leaps and bounds from where you were just a year ago. But life is still hard. There are weeks that just are ugly. Days I wish I could do over or just plain skip. And then I feel horrible for wishing or wanting it a different way.
Let me just fill you in on the tough parts. Routine, schedule, knowing what's coming. We have the same rhythm every day and if that changes, for any reason really, it can (and most likely will) throw your whole day off. You've eaten the same thing for breakfast for nearly six years (minus those special mornings we eat out/family mornings). Oatmeal with brown sugar. You know your days of the week and know what should happen on each one... Saturdays are family days, Sundays are church and family evenings, Tuesdays we eat Tacos, Fridays are pizza and movie night. Lunch is served at nearly the same time every day, and if I would let you, you'd eat the same thing for that as well ... but I like to keep a few options open so it varies between like 4 items. Speaking of food, there's another area that can be touchy. Nothing crunchy, minus carrots and apples. No cereals, chips, crackers (unless it's graham), salads/lettece, etc. Most things crunchy aren't that good for you anyways so we never pushed too hard, but on off days it can send you into a spiral.
Another area is noise. Since a little baby you've always been sensitive to sounds. Thunder is the worst. If you know a loud sound is coming, you're old enough now to understand and control yourself, but there's still tension and nervousness. We have a pair of heavy duty "ear muffs", like the ones people wear when mowing or doing loud construction. You wear them during thunderstorms or if the noises around you get to you too much. I've loved seeing you grow to understand that it's okay to ask for them and okay for you to wear them. They help a ton and keep you calmer.
Speaking of tools that help, we have recently invested in some fun new "toys" for you that have helped in major ways. Makes this momma's heart grateful. One is a weighted blanket. And this isn't just any weighted blanket, this is a John Deere weighted blanket. We found it on Etsy and the price couldn't be beat. It's 6lbs. and from the moment you opened the box and slipped underneath, it's been doing it's job perfectly. As soon as it hits your body and weighs you down, it's like every muscle in your small little frame soothes and calms and relaxes. It's like watching someone get a massage... you melt away in pure relaxation mode. Dad and I literally had tears in our eyes when we watched it for the first time. Another helpful tool is what we call your "chewie". And it just so happens we found Star Wars related chewies that look like Lightsabers. And the extra tough ones came in, of course, GREEN!! So perfect and fitting for you. We were both thrilled. Those have become almost as important as your corner blanket. Luckily you can wear them around your neck and they are holding up pretty well under such a strong grip (aka bite). When frustrated you chomp and chew all over it, when you're tired you suck on it instead of a blanket or whatever else you could find to put in your mouth, and during school it helps you concentrate to have something to chew on... so it has many jobs and works amazingly well at each of them. We are, again, so grateful for this little invention!
For the last four months or so I've been pretty useless when it comes to helping you due to my gigantic belly, but we tried to work around it, but honestly Daddy has been your favorite go to for help when it begins and ends. And I completely understand that. But now that I'm free to move and have a lap again, I'm back in the game.
Here's a honest, open moment about these meltdowns ... I use to be ashamed. Use to think it was me being a bad parent or giving in too much or not enough. Feeling like I was under a microscope and being watched from every angle. Eyes, always watching, always judging. So I'd try to control the situation like that person who was watching so little judgment would come my way. But after reading, learning first hand with an OT, and talking with other families in similar situations I'm done trying to please others ... this is about YOU and what's best for you. So judgement may fall at my feet and people may start and think what they think but I know what works, I know where you are at and where you need to get to, and I know I've got to keep my focus on where I am and not on who's watching or around us. It's been hard at times. Yes I've been embarrassed or ashamed but I shouldn't and don't as much. And I hope one day you will forgive me for the shameful way I tried to fix things early on... the wrong way. The way of others and not at all what you needed. So with that said, when things spiral and a little thing flips your switch (recently, for example your chicken nuggets got to crunchy and you couldn't get that out in words without flapping, screaming, and crying... it spiral to a full out meltdown. I tried to help and explain, but it was too late, meltdown mode was already on)...
First thing we do is get you alone. You have a tendency to lash out, hit, kick, and full out punch when things start to take over. The twinkle in your eye leaves and is replaced with a glazey anger. In our new place, that place of alone is our bathroom. This first stage can take some time to come off of. It's lasted as short as five minutes but has spanned out to a full afternoon at one point. If we can, we then get your gray jersey knit sheet and we wrap you tight from shoulders to toes. You'll also usually have your chewies already. Then you sit on a lap and we hum or turn on the song, Oceans by Hillsong and rock back and forth. We can't always do this right away due to violence, this stage can take a bit of time before completing. But within the time of that song you are usually in a melted pile on our lap. We rock and I pray in my head for your little self. For control, for understanding, and for your little body. Yes frustrating as the meltdowns are, we see that this is your body fighting against you in one way or another. And recently we had the chance to explain things a little bit to you. Why you saw Mr Kyle, how the meltdowns are part of SPD, and even got a kid's book from the library that explained SPD in kid terms. You began to understand and now we can talk a little more honestly about how things are going, and how you are feeling.
I never want you to view yourself as less or think there's something 'wrong". You are strong, Milo Man. Yes you have "bad" days, I like to call them "off" days really. Days where your body and mind just don't match up, and from the moment you get up I can tell it's going to be a hard day. But we make it thru. Sometimes in lots of tears, but those days God teaches us both so much. I've learned I can't do motherhood solo. It takes God's strength for me to be able to handle each meltdown and each battle. And you have learned similar things about God's love and strength. You know you have to ask for help from Him and us, that no matter what happens God's grace and forgiveness is there and He loves you no matter what. Always. You don't have to be good enough to earn God's love, He already loves you where you are. (That right there has been a big one recently.) You come out of a meltdown worried that God doesn't love you anymore and that you need to read your bible or sing more songs to earn it back ... my dear son, God loves you more then Dad and I combined. He loves you more then an imagination can fathom. And nothing you do will ever change that. Ever!!!
So as you read through the past posts and future posts, keep in mind that each day has it's battles, not every day is sunshine and roses. We have bad days. Everyone does. SPD is a part of our every day life, but it doesn't define your life or mine. God is there, God has given us these days to learn and to love and to show us our need for Him.
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