It's Been a Year ...

A whole year. Never thought the day would come when I would be able to think of this day and not automatically start balling. Looking back at the day when we heard that horrible “M” word and felt our world was crumbling. It will always be a tough day to remember, and a day that I will never want to relive by any means, but it's also a day I feel, I started living. Living for the right reasons. Living with purpose, because I knew just that fast, my whole life, my whole world in the here and now; my “perfect and complete” world – it could be taken and really wasn't that perfect and complete after all.

See for many years I called myself a Christian, a follower of Jesus. And I truly believe I was born again – being saved at a young age. I grew up with a christian family with a very amazing church, but I feel that it stopped there. There was no growth. There was no “difference” to my living. If a complete stranger met me, other then saying “she's nice” - they wouldn't know my love for Christ or know Christ's story. There were times, moments, you know those, “camp highs” when I'd start to change and I think subtly change (in small ways) what I was doing or saying but nothing that made me or others think or react.

Nothing until that moment. That moment, as a mother, when you are helpless. You can do nothing for your own child. That hurt and sadness that fills your heart when you're not in control. It's scary, breathtaking, and possibly the number one moment in my life when I realized and questioned “Do I believe?”

Do I believe that God is good? That He has a reason for all things? That HE is in control? That He will faithfully provide, always? Did I trust His word, His direction, and His timing?

Now I'm not saying I handled this situation with calm ease and have since, lived every day with high passion. I am still a sinner, in need of forgiveness and still have my down days or days I feel myself start slipping back into the old routine. But it's since that moment, when the question passed through my head and not only I, but Tim as well decided to trust, have faith, and obey – our lives have been changed. I can look back at the past year and literally see God's blessings and see God's hand in where we are going and what has been given to us. And when you can see God in the good and the bad, how can you not share the joy with others?!

God used this one horrible moment in our marriage and in our lives to pull us closer. Not only with one another but in our relationship with Him. Our lil' one, I truly believe, was given to me to help me grow in Christ. I enjoyed, loved, and will always cherish the short 12 weeks we had with our precious baby; but what this child left with me, will last a lifetime!! A deeper love, a deeper faith, and a deeper desire to obey God – in whatever he calls me and my family to. I strive to be a better follower of Christ and want to share His saving grace with those around me and it's something I'm still working on, because well I'm not that great at the “missionary” mindset of just coming out and saying it. But it's definitely something I am praying and working on.

So as I look back on this day, I thank the Lord for blessing us with another amazing child, a precious gift of life. And for bringing us thru the hard time and being a God of mercy, forgiveness, and peace. This day will stand in history for me, as the day my life turned around, thru many tears and sometimes frustration; God has taught me to have faith and trust in Him and Him alone. His plan for not just my life, but our family's life (and frankly, everyone's life!) is much more then I could imagine. He has something far better in store for me and for you. Praise the Lord for He is good!!

I wanted to also share a few things that have helped me get on track and stay on track in my relationship with Christ::

1. Our church family - They are not enough words to describe how supportive, encouraging, and over all loving, in all situations these people are, to everyone (not just me). I pray that if you are searching and looking for the next step in your life that you'd come visit and check it out for yourself. God has certainly shown us His love in giving us Northbridge!
2. Blessings by Laura Story - It was the only song I heard on the way to the ER last year, and the words stuck out to me and stuck with me. Even to this day. Here's the song and the lyrics. I can't say much more or I may begin to cry …
3. InspiredtoAction & Maximize Your Mornings – These two websites helped me restart my quiet time and organize my morning routine as a mother. I realized just how hard it was to try to have “quiet” and “alone” time with a child running around, and their suggestions helped get me on track. (Now I'm a bit off due to the pregnancy and no internet, but plan on getting right back at it this New Year once both kids are here, in arms and (hopefully) we will have internet again!) 
4. Crazy Love by Francis Chan – this book is just plain GREAT!! Makes you think. I recommend it to all! It's cut and dry, and clearly states the purpose we are all here. To live and glorify God.
5. Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney – FANTASTIC book for all women. Married or single. Was sad when I finished … so I started it again and always come back to certain spots. :)